Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

When reading this passage in 2 Corinthians, I tend to skip the beginning part about the “thorn” and “messenger of Satan” and stick to the park about “grace” and “power”. But the Lord has been showing me the significance of this passage and its application in my life. He has taught me a LOT, and I would like to share as much of it as possible.

“I created this blog with the intention of it being a place to document my spiritual journey, including the flaws, failures, struggles, accomplishments, victories, and joys of my everyday life. I want it to be a place where I can be real. I want it to be a place where I can share the things that I am learning and ways that I am growing spiritually. I want it to be a place where I can remember the goodness and the love of my Father and the incredible things He is doing in my life.”

I wrote this statement in my very first blog post back in January 2019. I started this blog to make memories. I wanted “to be able to look back on these posts and see how far God has brought me… That on days I am struggling, I will be able to look back and remember the grace of God… That on the good days I can look back and rejoice and praise God for the love he has poured out over me….That the words I write now will be seeds planted that will grow into something more.”

That was my goal. The words I wrote then sting a little bit to read now, though. I was really easy to say I would share my flaws, failures, and struggles, alongside the accomplishments, victories, and joys, but that has failed to happen. Not because I have not struggled or failed in my life. Not because I don’t have flaws. (I have so many more than you could ever know, trust me.) I have not shared them, because I find it embarrassing. I find it humiliating to admit that I am weak, struggling, hurting, making mistakes, and failing. Basically, I don’t like to admit I am a fallen, sinful human being just like everyone else in this world. Because of this pride, I have missed out on sharing some of the most incredible lessons God has taught me. The growth I have experienced in the hard times in my life has been hidden.

My heart is like a plot of land filled with weeds. The soil is good and full of nutrients that allows for growth – it was created that way – but for too long I have given these weeds access to the soil. They have taken over and become unmanageable. I can still try to pull them up on my own, but I do not have the proper tools for it. As I tug at the weeds, they snap off, leaving the roots behind in the soil. Since I don’t have anything but my hands to dig the roots out, a new weed springs up from the same root. No matter how many times I tug on the weeds and try to make my garden look nice, I will never be able to grow anything else in it, because the weeds are still taking over the soil. All I am accomplishing on my own is covering up the things which are now hidden beneath the soil. I will never be able to have things which bear fruit in that garden of my heart, because I do not have any seeds, I could not dig a hole deep enough to plant them without the proper tools anyway, and even if I could, the weeds would choke them out and take all the nutrients they need to spring up and grow.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

John 3:19-21

When I made the decision to follow Christ, my heart was exposed to His brilliant light and glory. This light fell on the garden of my heart, and because of the new light, the weeds in my life began to spring up in the soil again. They were no longer hidden beneath it, but instead became exposed in His light. In an effort to stop the growth, I tried to cover everything up with whatever I could find – trying to block the light so the ugly, nasty weeds would stay hidden beneath the soil. But that’s not how it works when you walk in the light.

Nothing I could do by myself was able to fix the problem I was having. I was incapable of taking care of these horrible weeds on my own. But that is to be expected of someone who is not a Gardener. Patiently standing nearby, offering help, but waiting until I opened the gate to let Him in, was the true Gardener. Finally, when I realized how desperately I needed help, I allowed him to come into my garden and help me. He pulled sharp tools from his bag and began His work on the weeds, but instead of trying to pull them out, He attacked them at the root. As the tools broke the soil of my heart, it hurt. As He uprooted the weeds and broke them away from the ground, it hurt. But slowly, over time, He removed each of the weeds.

He could have stopped there – it would have been more than enough – but He didn’t. Instead, He took a bag of seeds He carried with Him, and began placing these seeds in the soil where the weeds had been. Then, carefully, He turned over the soil, and covered the seeds. He continued like this, day after day, week after week. Sometimes the weeds were rooted very deeply and He would spend more time making sure every bit of it was removed from the soil.

To my dismay, as I looked back over the parts of the garden behind us, the light was causing the seeds to spring up, but along with the new plants were weeds also breaking through the soil. But I realized this time, to block out the light would also cause the new plants to die. The Gardener came to me and knelt beside me near these new plants and the weeds. He lovingly showed me how to distinguish the weeds from the true plants. Then, He took His hands, and showed me how to take out the small weeds from the soil along with the root. And then, He took His tools and worked beside me. As He removed the larger weeds, He helped me to work at the smaller ones so they would not take deep root in the soil again. Over time, from seeing His work, I learned more and more how to tend to my garden. I grew in my understanding and he graciously taught me more and more. I would never be a Gardener like Him – He had understanding of things beyond my imagination – but I could learn from walking beside Him how to be more like Him.

The light continued to expose weeds, but I finally saw the importance of the light as my new plants began to grow more and more and bear fruit. However, as other people walked by my garden, I started to become embarrassed. As they looked, they could see the new plants, but they could also see the small weeds springing up and the large weeds the Gardener was still working on. So I began to build a wall around my garden to block the view. I wanted to tell people all about the beautiful garden I had thanks to the Gardener, but because of the wall I put up, they could not see the beauty and importance of it. In fact, some did not even believe me.

The Gardener again saw my frustration, and gently and lovingly showed me what my wall was doing. Yes, it was blocking others from seeing the weeds springing up and the ones still being uprooted, but it was also blocking other things. First, although it blocked the view of the weeds, it also blocked the view of the new plants which would become beautiful and bear fruit. Second, it also was not allowing others to see the Gardener at work. If others were in need of help and could not see the good work he was doing in my life, they would not know who to ask for help. And finally, as we walked to the other side of the wall, He showed me the wall was casting a shadow on my garden as well, blocking out the light. It was not just limiting the view of others, it was actually interfering with the growth of my garden.

This wall can be many things. For me, though, I have seen lately that it is pride. In an effort to make myself look better and more put together, my pride becomes a barrier. As I limit the things I share with the people around me, I also limit what they can see God doing in my life. If nobody can see the impact the light of Jesus has had on my life and the incredible work He has done to save me from myself, then what is the point of all of this?

As I have been discovering this over the past weeks, I have realized that one part of my life this impacts in many ways is my health. So, in the next couple posts, my hope is that I can begin breaking down the wall I have built up and be more transparent about what is going on in my life in this area. God is doing so. many. amazing. things. and His light, glory, power, and love should never be hidden by my own pride.

Heavenly Father, you are so great and so merciful. You have saved me from the sin, pain, and death that I could never have handled on my own – not in an eternity. That is the greatest gift I could ever ask for. Jesus, you took the death I deserved and gave me life with the Father that you deserved. And not only that, but you have also given me the gift of your Holy Spirit to be with me always. And you have given me so much more as well – a life that is full of your blessings, which may bear fruit as I walk with you in the light. You deserve all the glory, honor, and praise. All I have to offer is myself. So help me, Father, to glorify you, honor you, and praise you with my life. Let your light be visible to everyone around. Thank you for everything that you have done, all you are doing, and everything you will do in advance. In the name of Jesus, amen.

Dear Younger Me,

Dear younger me…

Get ready, because God is doing some crazy things in your life.

You don’t understand it yet, but soon you will begin to taste the sweetness of the reality of the Lord’s faithfulness. Over the next days and months and years, you will see more and more clearly each day the ways He has stood beside you through it all. You will slowly begin to grasp the weight and the magnitude of his immense love for you.

You haven’t seen it clearly yet, but soon you will come to recognize the way your weaknesses and shortcomings are simply an outlet for his incredible, awe-striking power. You will see time and time again you are not as strong as you think, but you will also learn you were not meant to be strong on your own. The power, courage, and strength you have is not and never will be your own. You will learn that life is not about strengthening yourself; it is a journey of surrendering to the power of God and allowing it to manifest in you.

You have not experienced it yet, but soon you will watch as the Lord fulfills the desires of your heart in unexpectedly beautiful ways. As you continue forward, you are walking into a beautiful plan and destiny that was written on your heart and prepared for you the moment you were created. You will see Him fulfill longings and desires you are completely unaware of but that your spirit so desperately reaches for.

You have not grasped it yet, but soon you will take a step towards embracing the truth that you are enough. Although the fears of your heart fight that truth now, the Father is slowly beginning to release the grip of that lie on your heart. You will see as you go forward that nothing – no achievement, no failure, nothing you will ever do or say – will change the vastness and depth of his love for you.

You are not fully aware of it yet, but soon you will see how desperately your spirit longs to worship and praise its Creator. As you go through seasons of trial and seasons of joy, the deep desire to sing of his goodness and grace will become like a pressure within your chest which will only find release as you allow it to burst forth in song. It will become your lifeline and place of rest in the storms. Through worship you will come to a place of deep intimacy with the Father you have never reached before.

You will experience. You will love. You will hurt. You will fight. You will sing. You will rest. You will grow. You will cry. You will learn. You will praise. You will stand. You will search. You will adjust. You will change. You will fall. You will laugh. You will struggle. You will long. You will hope. You will wonder. You will bow. You will break. You will breathe. You will live.

And through all of this, God will be with you. He will stand beside you. He will fight for you. He will follow you. He will seek you out. He will forever be faithful and never-changing. And no matter what, He will always be victorious.

Dear younger me, you will learn so many things. You will grow in so many ways. And when you look back on it all, you will only see Him.

Dear future me…

I now see so much I did not understand before. And I know that what I know now is nothing compared to what I will know in the coming days, months, and years. There is so much that has yet to be revealed. There is so much to be discovered.

I pray that as you walk through the coming months, you hold onto hope. That as you press on through these seasons of uncertainty, you keep hoping and waiting for the glory God is revealing. Don’t forget that in time, the same situations that appear full of chaos and hurt will reveal the joy of the Lord.

I pray that as you face the fears that have rooted themselves in your heart, you desperately take hold of the truth and promises of the Father. That your heart knows nothing other than turning to His Word when it is at war. Don’t forget that His Word is your defense and your weapon against the enemy in this battle.

I pray that as you laugh, you understand the power behind the joy that is bursting from your spirit. That as you struggle, you cling tightly to that spring of life from the Father’s own Spirit and allow it to be your strength. Don’t forget the way this joy reveals an encounter and connection between yourself and the Holy Spirit.

I pray as you grow, you root yourself deeply in the love of God. That it becomes the reason and purpose your own heart beats. Don’t forget the more you come to comprehend and rest in the depth and intensity of His love, the more you will reflect Him in all you do.

I pray as you seek, you desperately pursue the Father’s perfect plan for you. That you will be so focused on Him you will never question the direction your feet go, because they will only follow His footsteps. Don’t forget He has already gone before you and prepared a way, and He will faithfully walk with you through the darkest valleys and will be your peace and strength through it all.

Get ready, because He is unveiling His glory and power.